Be Selfish, Do Something For Someone Else

Posted by Laney on

Wow… So it’s been a long time, hasn’t it? I know I always say this, but I really don’t mean to go so long between posts. I have really good intentions of updating, but then something pops up that has to be done. And by “has to be” it is normally something that could probably be put off but my OCD tendencies make me do them right now. It’s one of my quirks that I can’t seem to overcome.

So what has happened since I last posted? Well, there has been no change on the job front. I’m still director, producer, web-goddess, twitter queen, editor, and whatever else I need to be at the station. I haven’t come to any decision as to where I should go from here. *cue me singing Brian Littrell’s song “Where Do We Go From Here: in my head* I’ve debated and weighed options, but, so far, I haven’t acted upon anything.

The first week of April was Masters week in Augusta. It’s the one week a year when literally thousands of people flock to the city to watch golf. When I first interviewed for my job down here, Scott told me about Masters week, but nothing compared to seeing the insanity for myself the first time. During that week you plan on avoiding one of the main stretches through Augusta and you definitely don’t even try to go out to eat. Everywhere you go, it is packed with tourists. If this gives you any idea as to how many people are in town for the Masters each year… All of the hotels are completely full, not counting people that rent houses for the week. And the hotels make their yearly quota in that single week. It’s crazy.

One thing that did uplift my spirits recently was something that I did for one of my co-workers. His wife had to undergo a heart catherization, which left her out of work for a week. Just a few days later his son was turning eighteen. With the lack of a paycheck and other things, they didn’t have money to do anything for his son’s birthday. I know that I tend to dread my birthday every year, but a big part of that is because there is nothing special about that day for me. I like the idea of birthdays to be special. So the idea that they wouldn’t be able to do anything for their son’s birthday killed me. It kept weighing on my mind. One night at dinner, I mentioned it to mom, and we talked about getting a gift card for them. Lord knows I am not rolling in money, and for several months now money has actually been really tight, but I couldn’t just let it slide.

That night I went out and bought a fifty dollar Visa gift card. It wasn’t much, but it was what I could afford to do. And the next day, I left it on his desk with a card that I had mom fill out, so it wouldn’t be my handwriting. When he opened it up, he was stunned, and there were tears in his eyes.  Words can’t explain what it did to me to see his reaction. He figured out it was me, and swore that he would pay me back sometime. He doesn’t need to, though. That’s not why I did it… Seeing his reaction, knowing that he’d be able to do something for his son, made it all worthwhile to me. So maybe grocery shopping was tighter that week. And maybe I wasn’t able to buy myself a little something that I was wanting. But my coworker was able to do something for his son on his eighteenth birthday. That was more important.

Another thing going on has been some genealogy research. We really don’t know much about mom’s side of the family, so we’ve started digging into it all. So far it has been an interesting study, and, come to find out, my family has definitely been with its share of issues over the years. I always knew that my grandfather had a sister that died by falling off a porch swing and breaking her neck and another sister that was killed by her husband. Then my grandmother had a brother that was killed by his wife. Fun stuff, huh? It gets even more interesting, though.

Our first surprise was the discovery that my grandma didn’t have three brothers. She had four. There is a brother that no one ever knew about, no one has ever spoken of. From what we’ve been able to find out, he was a twin to one of the other brothers. We’ve been able to track him up until he was six years old. After that there is no record of him anywhere. We have no idea what happened to him.

The other big discovery was that my great-great-grandfather committed suicide. I’m beginning to think emotional issues run in our family. It explains a lot. But I would love to know what drove him to kill himself. I’m not sure that is something that we will ever be able to find out.

All in all, it has been fun looking back at my family’s history. I think because I come from a small family, seeing that there are so many more family members makes me feel like our family isn’t quite so small. Something else all this has brought me is a name I would like to use one day for a daughter. I’ve always wanted to use a name from our family for at least one child… particularly a girl. We have strong women in our family, and I’d like to pass that onto my own daughter. Rose is a name that I’ve frequently considered using because it comes from my great-grandma, but now I’ve discovered a name that belonged to a great-great-aunt, and I fell in love with it. It is now at the top of my list. I know, I’m rambling and not telling you what the name is. Well, here you go… I want to name a daughter Savanna Belle. Isn’t that pretty?

I’m sure there is plenty more that I could ramble on about, but I think I’m going to close here for now. It’s getting late, and I need to get into bed soon. I’m really going to try to make a point of posting more frequently… even if it means not doing everything that “has” to be done. We’ll see how that works. LOL I’m going to do my best!

A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another, the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another, it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden. ~ Buddha

Choosing A Direction

Posted by Laney on

Sometimes I’m amazed at the pace that life goes. It seems like just yesterday 2012 was starting. Suddenly February is coming to an end. It’s been nearly fourteen years since I graduated from high school, ten years since the end of my college career, and seven years since I took a chance and moved to Georgia.

Fourteen years ago I thought I knew where I was going. I had a plan. I knew what I wanted for my life. At least I thought I did. Two years later, I began to question. My life was turned upside down, and when that happened I began to doubt everything in it… absolutely everything. Nothing made sense to me anymore. When that happened, I made decisions… some willingly, others forced… that changed the course of my life. Ever since then, I’ve been trying to find my way again.

I fell into a job that I was good at, and I gradually climbed my way up… learning, growing… That’s what led me to my job in Georgia. I know I’ve complained about my job… That I’m not happy with it, that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing what I’m doing. Love it or hate it, I’m good at my job. If you’re someone who knows me well, you know that I rarely compliment myself. I don’t commend myself for a job well done. I don’t boast on what I’ve done. For me I always feel like I could do better or that I’m not good enough. That’s another issue for another day. Chalk that one up to issues from my childhood. Nonetheless, I rarely say that I’m good at something, but I’m good at my job. I work hard. I’m dependable. I’m one that is willing to go above and beyond my job description, and I’m realizing more and more that it is something that is recognized throughout the building.

For the past few weeks the marketing manager keeps saying, “If you ever want to move to marketing…” If I said the word, I know he would push for me to be moved into his department. That leads to today when our news manager told me that I’m her top pick for the upcoming producer position, if I want to leave production. It’s flattering to know that I have various departments wanting me on their team. The question is… Do I want to be on those teams?

To move to marketing would mean going back to some of my PR roots, which I always loved. However, to move to the news department would mean getting to do more writing. Of course writing for news is a far cry from the writing that I currently do, but I’ve proven to be good at it. They’re both good possibilities, and maybe I’d be happier in one of those positions. There’s a drawback, though. The drawback would be that I’d have to sign a contract for at least two years. To some signing a contract for two years probably wouldn’t seem like a big deal, but for me it is. Right now I know that if something came my way tomorrow, I could quit my job, walk out the door, no questions asked. With a contract it’s not that simple. No… I don’t have any plans of quitting my job any time soon, but the option is there. The freedom is there.

This has turned into another rambling post, which I didn’t mean to happen. I’m just trying to make sense of it all in my head. It’s hard when I’ve been so lost for so long about what I want in life. There are only four things I know for sure I want: to write, to be married, to have children, and to be happy. Sadly, right now, none of those things pay the bills. So… Until that day, I need to find what direction I want to travel in.

Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are. ~ Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

Looking For Answers

Posted by Laney on

It’s been two weeks since I had a glorious nine days away from work, away from headaches, away from frustrations and demands. For nine days I was able to hang out with my best friend and sister… a person that I don’t get to see nearly enough. During those nine days, we spent most of our time relaxing, talking, watching movies… It was a time for us to turn off for a bit. Now, after being back at work for two weeks, that vacation seems like a lifetime ago.

I returned to work and hit the ground running. What faced me was a pile of tasks and needs that no one touched while I was gone. The mantra of most of my coworkers is “it’s not my job”. They come in and do the bare minimum that they have to do and call it a day. When I sit back and look at them, they amaze me. The problem is that I don’t have any time to sit back and look at them. That’s because I’m busy bouncing around between four different departments, on top of doing my own job. I do what needs to be done for whatever department it needs done in. I don’t mind. I really don’t, but I become frustrated when certain coworkers can’t even do the job that actually is theirs. They expect everyone else to take care of it for them.

It simply becomes disheartening when you work and work and work and all you get in return is more work. I know that people turn to me because they know that I will work hard and get the job done. I’m glad that they find me dependable. But then I’m stuck trying to get everything done, struggling to get everything done, and there are people sitting there doing nothing.

None of this is anything new. It’s been going on for as long as I’ve been here, only it seems to have gotten worse over the years. I think the problem is the fact that I’m not happy. I’m good at my job, but I don’t love my job. This was never what I dreamed of for myself. I fell into working in television and directing. And every day that I come home frustrated and miserable, I think of my dad. He’s been working in the same job for nearly thirty-five years, and, while he’s good at his job, he doesn’t care for his job. I’ve worked in television for ten years and I feel the same way. I don’t want to be looking back twenty-five years from now and be in the same place my dad is.

When it comes down to it, though, I have a secure job. I’m good at my job and that gives me more security with the company I’m working for. Plus, trying to find another job isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do. Right now I have a job that pays my bills and helps out mom. That’s not something I can toss aside. Granted, it doesn’t leave a lot of wiggle room for things that I would like to do or buy, but you take what you can get. You learn to do without the extras that you’d like to get for yourself.

Right now I’m in a place where I’m simply not happy with my life. I don’t have the things that I want in it. I want to be married. I want to be a mom. I want to be working a job that I’m passionate about. I want to be able to do for the people I care about and not worry about how I’m going to pay the bills as a result. I need to find a change… how to make the change. I’m just not sure what the answer is yet.

There’s a plan for me. I have faith that God has some kind of plan for me, and I know that things will work out in his time. Patience isn’t one of my strongest virtues, though, so it’s a little hard to do sometimes. I’m going to keep holding onto that faith, though, and I will keep looking for the answers. I know they’re there somewhere.

Never forget that God tests his real friends more severely than the lukewarm ones. ~ Kathryn Hulme

Photo Challenge – Day Thirty

Posted by Laney on

Day 30 – A picture of the animal you would be if you were an animal. (Not the animal you want to be, the animal you think you are closely related to).

I wasn’t sure on this one, but my best friend said a wolf. She said it’s because I can be sweet and caring, but if you mess wit someone I love, I lash out…. I think that is pretty accurate.

Think Before You Speak

Posted by Laney on

Anyone that knows me well knows that I absolutely despise grocery shopping. I love to shop… shoes, clothes, antiquing, books, music, purses… I’ll even happily go into a hardware store. The one place that I will avoid at all costs is the grocery store.  I’m not sure the exact reason I detest the grocery store so much. I enjoy cooking, so it’s not that. It just always seems like a daunting task, I guess.

So I’m sure you’re wondering what has me pondering the idea of grocery shopping. Well, it has to do with me having to go to the grocery store twice in two days. Yes… Twice… I’d rather pound my head against a brick wall, let me tell you! But trip one was made to grab something quick for dinner and pick up a few essentials. Trip two was to do actual grocery shopping. Still not sure why I am rambling on about grocery shopping? Well, here ya go.

During my two shopping trips, both in the evening right after work, I encountered slammed stores. Everyone and their brother, who was getting off work, seemed to be grocery shopping. That I can accept. Most of them were probably like me… either rushing to find a quick meal to make, something for lunch the next day, or trying to get shopping done before going home and crashing for the evening. I get that. What I don’t get is the in consideration of people.

When I’m at the store and it is as busy as it was the past two nights, I try to grab what I need to get out of the way. I keep myself to one side of the aisle so that someone can get around me. I say, “Excuse me” and “Please”. And, when I am checking out, I try to unload as quickly as I can, have my debit card or whatever in hand so that I’m not ratting around for it while the cashier, and customers behind me wait. Common courtesy, right? Come to find out, it isn’t so common.

Rewind to night #1 of shopping. People would stand in the middle of the aisle with their carts and gawk at the shelves, blocking the way for anyone to get around them. Parents let their kids run wild and get in the way of other shoppers. And then there are the ones that roamed aimlessly because they were too busy looking at their phone and texting. In turn the would walk into you or be in the way.

Then there is night #2 when once more people are standing in the middle of the aisles blocking the way, letting their kids run around, and attempting to text and talk at the same time. But this night added another to the grouping. This would be the man unloading his shopping cart while talking on the phone, thus only being able to unload one item at a time… slowly. Nevermind the fact that the line behind him is six people deep. No… his conversation about what he did this past weekend was more important. And just so you know, yes, that is what he was talking about.

Now I understand in this age of technology that people feel this need to be “tied in” all the time. I don’t have that need, but if you do, more power to you. Personally, I like having time when I’m not bothered by phones or emails or texts. I’ll even admit to silencing my phone some evenings just to have some quiet time. That’s not for everyone, and that’s fine. Whatever floats your boat. The point where the technology addiction gets to me is when you are rude and inconsiderate to everyone around you.

Yes, there has been the occasions where I have taken a call or made a call while at the grocery store, but I can honestly say that the only times I do that are if I’m checking on something I’m supposed to buy, making sure I got everything, or the call is work related. Otherwise, I really don’t feel the need to talk on the phone, letting everyone around me hear my conversation, while I do my shopping. As for texting… Yes, I’ve sent texts from time to time at the store, but when I did I moved off to the side, out of the way, and sent my text. I didn’t walk, text, and pay no attention to where the hell I was going.

To me it seems like the more technology takes over, the less common courtesy people have toward others. Lets face it. There are people who don’t know how to carry on a face to face conversation because they are used to always using a phone call, a text, or an email. People are all consumed by their little devices that they don’t know how to relate to another human being. Even beyond that, the don’t know how to simply relate to themselves. I see people online all the time on Facebook and Twitter, and I honestly wonder what else they have going on in their lives, because every little detail is chronicled. I wonder if there is ever a time that they can just go to the store or sit down with a book, and not have to tell the world what they are doing.

Then again, maybe it is just me. Maybe I am biased because I don’t feel the need to be tied in 24/7. It could be. Whatever the case, to each his own. If you feel the need to have that constant tie through technology, go for it. All I ask is that you take a moment to pay attention to what is around you and try to be considerate of those around you if you’re out in public.

I’ll step off my soapbox now.

Soon silence will have passed into legend.  Man has turned his back on silence.  Day after day he invents machines and devices that increase noise and distract humanity from the essence of life, contemplation, meditation…tooting, howling, screeching, booming, crashing, whistling, grinding, and trilling bolster his ego.  His anxiety subsides.  His inhuman void spreads monstrously like a gray vegetation.  ~ Jean Arp

Technology… the knack of so arranging the world that we don’t have to experience it.  ~ Max Frisch