Looking For Answers

It’s been two weeks since I had a glorious nine days away from work, away from headaches, away from frustrations and demands. For nine days I was able to hang out with my best friend and sister… a person that I don’t get to see nearly enough. During those nine days, we spent most of our time relaxing, talking, watching movies… It was a time for us to turn off for a bit. Now, after being back at work for two weeks, that vacation seems like a lifetime ago.

I returned to work and hit the ground running. What faced me was a pile of tasks and needs that no one touched while I was gone. The mantra of most of my coworkers is “it’s not my job”. They come in and do the bare minimum that they have to do and call it a day. When I sit back and look at them, they amaze me. The problem is that I don’t have any time to sit back and look at them. That’s because I’m busy bouncing around between four different departments, on top of doing my own job. I do what needs to be done for whatever department it needs done in. I don’t mind. I really don’t, but I become frustrated when certain coworkers can’t even do the job that actually is theirs. They expect everyone else to take care of it for them.

It simply becomes disheartening when you work and work and work and all you get in return is more work. I know that people turn to me because they know that I will work hard and get the job done. I’m glad that they find me dependable. But then I’m stuck trying to get everything done, struggling to get everything done, and there are people sitting there doing nothing.

None of this is anything new. It’s been going on for as long as I’ve been here, only it seems to have gotten worse over the years. I think the problem is the fact that I’m not happy. I’m good at my job, but I don’t love my job. This was never what I dreamed of for myself. I fell into working in television and directing. And every day that I come home frustrated and miserable, I think of my dad. He’s been working in the same job for nearly thirty-five years, and, while he’s good at his job, he doesn’t care for his job. I’ve worked in television for ten years and I feel the same way. I don’t want to be looking back twenty-five years from now and be in the same place my dad is.

When it comes down to it, though, I have a secure job. I’m good at my job and that gives me more security with the company I’m working for. Plus, trying to find another job isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do. Right now I have a job that pays my bills and helps out mom. That’s not something I can toss aside. Granted, it doesn’t leave a lot of wiggle room for things that I would like to do or buy, but you take what you can get. You learn to do without the extras that you’d like to get for yourself.

Right now I’m in a place where I’m simply not happy with my life. I don’t have the things that I want in it. I want to be married. I want to be a mom. I want to be working a job that I’m passionate about. I want to be able to do for the people I care about and not worry about how I’m going to pay the bills as a result. I need to find a change… how to make the change. I’m just not sure what the answer is yet.

There’s a plan for me. I have faith that God has some kind of plan for me, and I know that things will work out in his time. Patience isn’t one of my strongest virtues, though, so it’s a little hard to do sometimes. I’m going to keep holding onto that faith, though, and I will keep looking for the answers. I know they’re there somewhere.

Never forget that God tests his real friends more severely than the lukewarm ones. ~ Kathryn Hulme

A Cyclone Of Thoughts

So I’ve sat here and tried to come up with some insightful comments on my day, on what I’m thinking. In the end, I’ve found I just can’t do it. So, instead of some long rambling post, I’m going to sum up what is on my mind with a graphic.

Another Year, Another Chance

It seems like only a few months ago I sat here, on the cusp of a new year, looking forward to everything ahead of me… Planning to make it a positive year, a year of change. Now three hundred sixty-five days have come and gone, and not a great deal has changed. Life is still overall the same. Probably the biggest change for the year was the big move at work from our old facility to a brand new one. That entire process took a great deal of my time and energy in 2011, but now we are settling in and things are starting to fall into place.

For me 2012 began quietly, much like Christmas. Mom and I went to a late dinner together. Afterward we each went to our own homes. I sat and watched the ball drop on television in my living room with just candles and my Christmas tree lit. There was no celebration, no one to share a kiss with. 2011 quietly left and 2012 quietly began. Really, it was just another night, the beginning of a new calendar.

I go into this year with hopes, just like I always do. I have hopes that this year will be better than the last. I hope to find happiness, both with work and with my personal life. I hope to find love… A love that doesn’t make my heart ache because I know it is just out of reach. I hope to write and find a certain peace. I hope to be a better friend, a better daughter, a better person. Yes, I have hopes for this year.

As has become tradition, I refuse to make any true resolutions for the year. I feel like making resolutions just sets you up for disappointment when they go by the wayside after a few months, or even just a few weeks.  Instead of making a list of resolutions, and feeling disappointed when I fail, I re-evaluate the goals I have for myself, for my life, and make an attempt to follow the paths I need to to reach my destination.

One of the things that I know I need to do is let go of the drama in my life that doesn’t need to be there. I need to let go of the people in my life that drag me down, not up. I need to look at the whole picture, and not believe that everything is my fault… that even though I am blamed for how things are going, sometimes it is someone else that has led us down the course we’ve travelled. There is enough negative in my life. I see it every day at work, and I struggle with it personally. I do not need to have people in my life that add to it. So I have already started in taking steps to rid me of the negative, of the drama and the whining.

I want to believe that this year will be better than the last. I have to believe that it will be. There has to be hope, because without it I won’t get anywhere. So here’s to a new year with new hopes and new dreams and new starts.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things. ~ Henry Miller

Is This Set Up?

Wow! Let me just say that I’ve lost track of days, dates… I’m really not sure whether I’m coming or going. For almost two weeks now my normally crazy life has become even more crazy. Didn’t think that was possible? Yeah, neither did I.

As you probably know by now, from my previous posts, my station is moving into a new building. Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, not quite. This has been an ongoing discussion for six years and is finally coming to fruition. When I first interviewed for my job down here, they were telling me how in the next year the station would be adding on and expanding. The year came and went. There were still discussions, but dates kept changing. Then there was talk of moving into a new building, but they couldn’t decide on a location. During all of this time, my station took over managing the local NBC station. So that added into everything.

Last year a building was finally purchased. The powers that be decided that the two stations would move into one building… One big, happy dysfunctional family. We were supposed to move in January of this year. That was pushed back to February, then March, then June, then August… Now we have a launch date of September 26th, and you know what? I don’t see it happening.

At the end of last week my boss officially moved me into the new building. I’m not directing right now. Instead I am at the new facility working on the switching system that we use to direct shows. That is one of my areas of expertise. It’s actually a big part of the reason I was hired down here six years ago. My station was going to the same system then, and I was brought in, not only as a director, but to lead the transition from a traditional switcher to an automated one. Now I’m doing it yet again… only with a few more twists and turns.

To people who don’t know the behind the scenes of a newscasts, a lot of what I’m doing won’t make sense, so I won’t even try to explain it. I’ll just use this as an example. Imagine using a pen and paper and encyclopedias all your life and then suddenly being handed a computer and told to set it up and learn to use it and fix it if something goes wrong. That’s pretty much what I’m dealing with. Granted, I’ve done this before. It was stressful before. I worked, at one point, for 21 days straight without a day off. I spent hours on end staring at computer monitors, trouble shooting, plotting, planning layouts, and training coworkers. This time I’m facing that times two. This time I am going through the process not only for my station but for the NBC station. Add to that the fact that I’m also having to help the news department with figuring out their end and train on other new equipment myself.

It’s a lot. It would be a lot to deal with at any time, no matter how smoothly things went. The problem is, nothing is going smoothly. The new building still isn’t completely wired for all of our equipment. Half of the things that I need for the control rooms aren’t wired and set up either. I spent the past two weeks pleading for camera control and mic control. I finally got camera control and on that same day one of the drives for the graphics crashed, so now I don’t have that. If it isn’t one thing it’s another. Each day is mentally and physically draining… but more mentally than anything. The wheels in my head are constantly turning. And the kicker is my boss, and all the other managers, keep saying, “I know you’ll do it. You can handle it.”

I know that I can handle a lot. I’m one of those odd people who thrive under pressure. And I know that this time isn’t going to be any different. At the end of the day, I know that one way or another it will get done. I will make sure it gets done. It’s just a lot of pressure to get two stations ready to launch on entirely new equipment. There’s a lot to it. But facts are facts… If I’m not given the equipment I need, it’s not going to happen… at least not by our launch date.

There’s no real point to this post other than for me to ramble about what is going on in my head. Although, I suppose it explains to all of you why I’ve been quieter than usual lately. At the end of the day, I just don’t have the energy. I’ll try to take some pictures to share with you, though!

If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do. ~ Lucille Ball

Looking For Healing

Sometimes you discover that things you didn’t think really affected you affects you more than you thought. That seems to be the case with me this week. A couple of months ago I suddenly developed this issue with my back. It came seemingly out of nowhere, but I tossed it up to sleeping on the sofa while dad was visiting. For almost two weeks after, I woke up every morning unable to stand up. I’d literally have to slide to the edge of the bed on my stomach, put my feet on the ground, and then use my headboard and wall to EVENTUALLY stand up straight. Hot showers, anti-inflamitories, and heating pads became staples to my surviving each day. Then, suddenly, the pain – and seeming vice grip my muscles had on my spine – began to ease and then disappear completely. Last weekend… It all came back again.

It’s no secret that life hasn’t been without stress recently. Work has been more stressful than usual as we prepare to move into a new facility. I have training that I have to take as well as leading training sessions myself. All of that is in conjunction with my normal work, and the fact that my boss is typically out of the office. When that happens, matters that he would normally take care of fall on me. Then you add into the mix some financial struggles and health scares and other personal issues… Life is far from calm, but I’ve been doing my best to make the best of it all.

Working in television is a beast that is hard to explain. Unless you experience it, many will never completely “get it”. There is so much happening behind the scenes, not just at show time, but all the time. And like any workplace, there are certain personalities, certain politics. I’ve been reminded even more of that recently. It was probably February when my boss called me into a meeting to discuss some issues going on with our morning and noon shows. We were going over what needed to happen in order for ratings to go up and for things to get better. It was during that meeting that he informed me that he was considering the possibility of not renewing our morning meteorologist’s contract which would be expiring in a few months. Considering the fact that his attitude and refusal to cooperate contributed to some major problems we were having, I really wasn’t surprised.

A few months ago the decision became official. Our meteorologist’s contract was not renewed, but he was given a two month extension, giving him extra time to get things in order, look for a new job… The company even paid for him to have his seals renewed. And… as is the norm… nothing was ever said on air about him leaving. The first time our viewers heard about it was last Friday at the end of the 6am newscast when he said his farewell. He chose to do it that way, to not include our morning anchor in it, and did not even return to air for the noon news. That was all his decision.

Within minutes of his “farewell”, our Facebook exploded with backlash from the fact that he was leaving. He’d been with the station for fourteen years, and, as to be expected, viewers don’t like changes when it comes to the people delivering their news and weather to them. Along with people being disappoint by his departure, conspiracy theories began to rise, a popular talk radio host added fuel to the fire with his own “knowledge” of the situation (which he had none), and then our meteorologist… for former meteorologist… took to Facebook to “explain” why he was leaving and how he was “blindsided”.

This week it has been simply ugly to read some of the comments from certain viewers. Not only are they lashing out at the station for letting him go, they are bashing our other on air talent in cruel and unjust ways. Granted to be in this business you must have a thick skin, and the wonderful people I work with do. Personally, though, I find it really hard to sit back and not be able to say a word to these viewers. None of us can. We have the generic comment – “It is our company policy to not comment on personnel matters.” For the people lashing out, that isn’t enough of an answer for them, but legally we can’t say anything more. If we can say something that could “hinder” him finding other work, then we can face a lawsuit. So we sit back and take it. It kills me, though, for people to speak negatively about some of these people and about the station. As frustrated as I get with work from time to time, I am proud of the station I work for. I am proud of our product that we produce, and I am proud of the involvement we have in helping people in our community.

The thing is, I feel bad for him. I can’t imagine working for fourteen years at a job and suddenly have to start all over again. I understand why the decision was made, and I support the station’s decision. Being the person I am, though, I want to see the best in people. As a coworker, he was a pain in the ass to work with, but I had respect for him as a person… That’s until today. That is until I found out that while he’s proclaiming that he was “blindsided” by the decision to not renew his contract, he actually told our manager that he didn’t want to renew his contract, and he was relieved. Not only that, but he has been going onto our Facebook page – using a talent profile created by the company – to egg on these leeches that are attacking us. And, as if that isn’t bad enough, he created fake Facebook profiles and has been making posts himself. That hurts… That angers me.

I need to let it go. I need to let go of the negativity that comes from the facebookers as well as my former coworker. It just really hurts when I want to see the best in people… when I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. Once more I’m reminded of the lack of respect and consideration some people have for me. And what is worse is that it’s not just in my professional life.

So how did I go from my back issues to this? Well, my back issues started last week… right after all of this started happening at work. I think I was trying to fight how everything was stressing me, and I’ve been unknowingly tensing and causing my back to spasm and lock up. This weekend I’m going to do my best to let it go. I haven’t really talked to anyone in-depth about what has been going on. Mom knows pieces of it, but I hadn’t told her everything until tonight. And now I’m turning to writing… To get it out… My hope is that by letting it out, I can let go, and begin to heal… emotionally and physically.

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.  Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.  Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.  Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.  Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.  But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. ~ Buddha

A Little Off Course

Where does the time go? I seem to wonder that more and more as time passes. The last time I made an actual blog post it was the Forth of July. That was over a month ago. Each day I have the best of intentions to write about what is happening, what is on my mind, but when it comes down to it… I don’t know. The thought of diving head in just drains me. By the time I’m home for the evening, I just want to escape all the crap.

In my time away, I’ve managed to read a pile of magazines. I love magazines. Maybe my boss is right and I do have ADD. I don’t know. Magazines work well for me, jumping from one topic to another in little intervals. Plus, it’s easy to put down for a few moments if there is something else that takes your attention. But, I’ll admit, I’m a magazine junkie. Currently I hold subscriptions to Redbook, Health, Good Housekeeping, Southern Living, and Atlanta. I fight the urge to subscribe to more. I was so far behind on reading the magazines I already have it wasn’t funny. But I’m proud to say that I’ve caught up… at least for the time being.

I also started on another reading journey. It actually started about two months ago now. It’s actually something that I considered doing countless times, but never actually applied myself to. Currently, I’m working on reading the Bible in a year. Some people who know about this have asked me why, and the truth is… I’m doing it because I want to.

I’ll admit that religion can be a touchy subject with me. I believe in God. I believe in the death and resurrection, however, I have a problem with many “Christians”. I was brought up in the church, and I love the church that I grew up in. But, as a child, I also had a grandmother that shoved religion and the Bible down my throat. She would be one of the Christians that I alluded to earlier. Looking back now, I think her intentions were good, but she went about it the wrong way. She went about a lot of things the wrong way, but that’s a topic for another time. As my grandmother pushed harder and harder to force her beliefs on me, I distanced myself further and further from it. I think in some ways it was my way of rebelling.

It wasn’t just my grandmother, though. Many Christians leave the same bad taste in my mouth, as they do many others. You see, Christians like to take the words in the Bible and twist them to conform to what they want. They preach and preach on one area and how what people are doing is a “sin”, yet they ignore other sections that show what THEY are doing is a sin. It’s hypocritical, and I think it drives many people away from religion. The way I look at it is like this… The books of the Bible were written centuries ago, in Hebrew. The accounts that took place were accounts, never intended to be published together. That leaves a lot of room for error, for misunderstandings, and for misinterpretations. I mean, think about it… There isn’t even a single Bible. There are variations.

Now, I’m sure you’re really wondering why I chose to read the Bible if I have doubts on its translation. Well, the truth of the matter is… I want to come to my own conclusions. I think at the end of the day, the basis of what God wants is there. I also believe that the various “Gods” people believe in overlap. I think each religion takes a certain piece of the same God. When it comes down to it, to me, what really matters is how we treat one another. I think that is something that many Christians forget. I think it’s something that many religions forget.

I’m not sure how I managed to get onto this topic. It wasn’t my intention. But that’s how a lot of my writing goes. I think I’m going to go in one direction, but suddenly a chapter takes on a life of its own. Apparently the same can be said for my blogging. Oh well… At the end of the day a chapter gets written, or in this case a blog.

No man treats a motor car as foolishly as he treats another human being.  When the car will not go, he does not attribute its annoying behavior to sin, he does not say, “You are a wicked motorcar, and I shall not give you any more petrol until you go.”  He attempts to find out what is wrong and set it right. ~ Bertrand Russell

Everything Changes, Nothing Stays The Same

It’s America’s birthday today. I remember growing up, this was one of the days each year I always looked forward to. I have a small family. Growing up, for the most part, it was Mom, Dad, and me. But what family I didn’t have by blood, I had in the form of “adopted” family. They lived on the outside of town, and every Forth of July, we would head out to their house. It was an all day event of grilling, roasting hot dogs and marshmallows around the fire, swimming in the pool, playing games, and then watching my adopted grandpa set off fireworks. Of course, it wouldn’t be complete without the kids getting to play with sparklers. It wasn’t July without burning yourself on sparklers and falling asleep next to the fire.

It’s been a long time since we had one of those summers. Truthfully, I can’t remember when or why we stopped. Maybe it was when my adopted Grandpa died. I’m not sure. Somehow I think it was even before then, but I’m not sure. It’s been a long time, though, and so many things have changed since then. We graduated, Mindy got married, Mom and Dad separated, Patrick and I went to college, Rusty and Elaine (my second parents) divorced, Elijah was born, Mom and I moved, Patrick got married… Our lives are a far cry from what they used to be on those hot summer nights in the country.

Holidays tend to make me nostalgic. I think that is normal for most people, but for me it isn’t just Christmas and Thanksgiving. It’s days like today. It’s Easters when I think about Easter dinners and Easter egg hunts at Grandma and Grandpa’s… New Year’s sleepovers, and Memorial Days at the VFW. I always wonder if I’ll ever experience holidays like that again. It’s probably the reason I tend to not look forward to many holidays… because I miss the way things used to be.

Not all change is bad, though. We’ve come a long way in the past eleven years. Eleven years… Wow… That’s how long it’s been since my dad came out and my parents separated. It’s hard to believe it was that long ago. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday. It definitely wasn’t, though, and I have to say that I am quite proud of the way my mom has grown in accepting who dad is. The signs have been there in small ways for a while, but the biggest one came last weekend.

Dad came to Augusta for a visit, and it so happened that while he was in town Augusta’s Pride Parade and Festival was taking place. I immediately told Dad that I would go with him if he wanted to go downtown. Truthfully, I never expected Mom to even consider going. Truthfully, the thought of her going made me nervous. I was the one that had the “pleasure” of taking her to a gay bar while I was in college to see a drag show. To this day I have the urge to duct tape her mouth when I think about that night. But, again, it goes to show just how much my mom has grown. She went to the parade with Dad and me, and then headed down to the festival. Granted, she spent most of the time hanging out on one of the walls in the Commons “people watching” and talking to random people. With a broken leg, she really couldn’t walk around with us, but she didn’t seem to mind. She even admitted later that she had a good time. She even made friends with one of the vendors there, and we’re planning on going out to the farm he has with his partner later this summer… Yeah, some things definitely do change.

I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to the ways my family has changed. I know that change is part of living and part of growing, and in some ways the family I have now is good. But sometimes I wish there was more. I wish I saw my dad and grandpa and adopted family more often. I wish there were still those big family holidays where we were all together. What I have to remember, though, is that this too will change… Nothing ever stays the same. Just like fireworks, the colors change, the shape grows, and it is something you can’t help but watch.

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness.  You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. ~ Erma Bombeck

Where’s The “Off” Switch?

So I’ve been quiet recently, with the exception of my vain attempt at completing this fifty day photo challenge. God only knows how long I’ve actually been working on it. It’s definitely been for more than fifty days, and I’m only on day ten. Whoops! Lately my mind seems to be here, there, and everywhere. It’s a shame there isn’t a simple “off” switch that allows you to turn off your brain for a few hours. Mine has definitely been going too much lately. Actually, all of me feels like it’s been going too much lately.

As I spend so many days running in what seems like endless circles, I’ve started to realize the insanity of it all. I run myself ragged, bend myself backwards, and all but stand on my head to keep everyone happy, to live up to these standards, to not let anyone down… yet more and more people in my life are letting me down. The amazing thing is they don’t even seem to care. The other day I was reminded of the infamous saying – “no one can take advantage of you without your permission”. It’s true… I allow the people in my life to take advantage of me, but there seems to be a fine line.

The words “team player” seem to echo through so many places anymore. If you stop allowing certain people to stop taking advantage of you, do you stop being a “team player”? So far I haven’t found the answer to that question. But, then again, it isn’t just my professional life. It’s my personal life too. I’ve always been willing to give to those I care about. I’ll go out of my way for them, give to them even if it means sacrificing things for myself. It makes me happy to make those around me happy, but shouldn’t there be some give and take? I mean, when is enough enough? And am I being selfish if I ask for a little in return?

I see people going through, never seeming to have to choose between what they want and what needs done. They go shopping, they buy concert tickets, take trips, go to the movies… whatever… And I’ll admit… I’m jealous. I don’t do those things, and if I do it’s rare. No… instead I work and I help family. I try to figure out how ends are going to meet every two weeks, and all the while I keep running in those circles, working and working and feeling like I never get anything in return.

I’m tired. I’m frustrated. And the last thing I want to hear from someone is “you choose to do this”. Yes, I DO choose to do this. I choose to work my ass off because I want to be dependable and I want to be the best I can be. I sacrifice because I know in the grand scheme of things, it is more important to give than receive. Yes, I know all of that, and I know that I have made these decisions. I just want to know when it is my turn. When do I get ahead?

One day… One day it’ll be my turn. And one day I’ll find that “off” switch.

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It

The past several weeks have brought a lot of beginnings but even more ends. Rapture… Death… Realized needs… I’ve found myself analyzing so many things about my life. So much of me is drained. Life has left me struggling to find desire, strength, and energy to keep going forward. But the past week has probably done more than I ever imagined.

Like so many others, I was rolling my eyes and laughing at the possiblity for the “rapture” arriving on May 21st. I believe in God. I believe in the Bible. However, I don’t believe in the ways that so many people “interpret” the Bible. One of those said interpretations had people quitting their jobs and following a “leader” that was predicting the end of the world. While many people can find different ways to decipher sections of the Bible, there is one thing that is pretty clear – no man, not even the angels in heaven or the son himself, will know the time or day when God chooses to end the world. I’ll go as far to say that I believe that so much that if God happened to have in his plan that the world was going to end on May 21, just because people thought it would, he’d change his mind. But… that’s my thought, my interpretation. Take from it what you will.

It was two days after being faced with “the world’s end” that something happened that knocked me harder than I ever imagined. Working in news you become almost immune to death and distruction. I can literally count the number of times I’ve been brought to tears while at work because of a story we were coming. The first was when I realized a three-year-old child that accidently shot and killed himself was my friend’s son. The second was when a friend that I have known my entire life was in a car accident that seven years later still has him in a vegatative state. The third was just a few days before Thanksgiving, two years ago, when a mother took her two young children – ages 3 and 1 – into a gas station bathroom and stabbed them to death with a steak knife. The forth… The forth was this week.

Monday night I was at home watching the 11pm newscast before bed. The show was leading with breaking news… a live shot from the scene of a motorcylce accident that killed the driver but the name of the victim was not being released, pending the family identifying the body. God only knows how many times I’ve seen shots like that before, and sitting here I thought nothing of it. All of that changed the next morning at work as I sat digging through over three hundred emails. The title of the email was “WJBF News Channel 6 Loses One Of It’s Family”. The words made my heart sink, and ignoring all the other emails, I immediately opened that one and read on. The person driving the motorcycle the night before was the wife of one of my coworkers. She was killed instantly in an accident that the police have said was one of the worst they’ve ever seen.

I can’t explain why news of her death hit me so hard. Of course I’ve worked with Lud since I moved to Augusta nearly six years ago, but as far as Sandy goes, I’ve only spent time with her off and on… talking at Christmas parties and other station events. When I was around her, she was always a sweet woman and a lot of fun. I also knew how much Lud loved and adored her. Even if you didn’t know Sandy, if you know Lud, you know how much she meant to him. Naturally, my heart broke for him, but I couldn’t understand… I still don’t fully… how news of her death literally knocked the wind out of me. As I watched the story on the noon show… for the first time hearing the words out loud… I cried for the forth time as a director.

As the week progressed, I tried to come to term with the overwhelming emotions. I dealt with the lack of sleep and this feeling that I hadn’t felt in years… Like I honestly couldn’t get out of bed each morning. I didn’t want to face the days. But through it all, I tried to understand how someone I knew so little could affect me so profoundly. Then I thought about Sandy.

Sandy was truly an amazing woman. She had been married to Lud for thirty-one years. They had three children together. She worked as a nurse practioner at the VA Hospital and was truly adored by her patients. She travelled to other countries on mission trips. If someone needed her she was there, but has hard as she worked… She played just as hard. She loved to travel. She loved to laugh. She simply loved life. At sixty years old, she had so much more left to give. And the irony of the night she died… She was driving hom from work, and the path she took was not her normal route. She never took that path to go home, but for some reason she did that night.

I believe that all things happen for a reason. Sometimes that is hard to accept, but there is a reason whether you see it or not. There was a reason Sandy changed her path that night, and in my heart of hearts I know that it was her time to go. And after a week has passed, I can’t help but think in some way her death has brought me a gift.

This year I plowed into 2011 determined that I was going to change. I was going to write. I was going to blog. I was going to make positives steps in my life. Within a month I was back to being overwhelmed by work, not blogging, still not writing, and simply not being happy. It sounds trite to say, but none of us know when our time will end… whether it be from rapture or a horrible accident. There are no guarantees.

For thirty-one years of my life, I have done everything but stand on my head to make everyone around me happy. School, activities, even right down to what I ate… Someone has always had a say in it all to the point that I don’t know who I am or what I want. And the few times I’ve gone against what someone wanted from me, it was out of spite, not necessarily because I wanted it.

I’m now venturing on a journey. It’s a journey of self discovery. I know that in order to move forward, I have to let go of the past pains. If I am going to move forward, I have to decide where it is I want to go. It’s not something that is going to happen over night. It took me thirty-one years to get to this place in my life, so it’s going to take some time to figure out where it is I want to go and what it is I want to do. What I do know is that I want to make a difference. I want to have an impact on lives. I want to make people smile. And when my day comes, I want everyone to say, “She lived life, and she touched mine.”

For a long time it seemed to me that real life was about to begin, but there was always some obstacle in the way. Something had to be got through first, some unfinished business; time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. ~ Bette Howland

Patience – The Lost Virtue

It’s occurred to me more and more lately that patience is flying out the window with many people. Actually, it seems to be with most people I know. In the age of technology, where everyone is SO tied in, people expect responses in seconds be it with text, voicemail, twitter, Facebook, email. And, with many people I know, if they don’t get a response quick enough, they send yet another message… normally asking if you received the first message.

In some ways this all ties back to a post that I made last year. (Can We Turn Off?)

I make a conscious effort to not be so tied in. Honestly, I can’t be. Between two work emails, a personal email, a work twitter, a personal twitter, a work Facebook account, a private Facebook account, two fan pages, two voicemails, and two phones – I would never get anything else done if I spent my time responding immediately to each and every message. I honestly don’t know how some people do it, and I am honestly starting to understand why studies say that multi-tasking actually decreases productivity.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m the queen of multi-tasking. I can talk on the phone, respond to an email, and eat lunch without batting an eyelash. I can write a news story, listen to a show, and answer trainee questions without missing a beat. But there is a limit. Anyone that is honest with themselves will know that there are only so many things they can do at once. Responding to every email account, social network, and phone message can’t happen if you plan on doing any other work.

So… Why did I get on this tangent tonight? Well, I guess it comes down to getting one too many messages from people upset that I didn’t “respond” quick enough. So here’s how I work. If I have time during the work day, I may make one or two posts to my personal twitter and Facebook, I keep pretty close tabs on my work emails, and I answer texts when I have a moment. If I make a post and you reply… don’t be surprised if I don’t respond for several hours. If I have too much going on, I won’t. If I chose to, I could have every tweet and every Facebook comment sent to my phone, but I don’t do that. I don’t do it because I have too many other things I have to do or want to do. I can’t be tied in 24/7. It just won’t work. But… I WILL respond… It just requires patience.

Yes, patience… That little lost virtue.

How can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras teach patience to its young?  ~ Paul Sweeney