Sometimes I’m amazed at the pace that life goes. It seems like just yesterday 2012 was starting. Suddenly February is coming to an end. It’s been 
nearly fourteen years since I graduated from high school, ten years since the end of my college career, and seven years since I took a chance and moved to Georgia.
Fourteen years ago I thought I knew where I was going. I had a plan. I knew what I wanted for my life. At least I thought I did. Two years later, I began to question. My life was turned upside down, and when that happened I began to doubt everything in it… absolutely everything. Nothing made sense to me anymore. When that happened, I made decisions… some willingly, others forced… that changed the course of my life. Ever since then, I’ve been trying to find my way again.
I fell into a job that I was good at, and I gradually climbed my way up… learning, growing… That’s what led me to my job in Georgia. I know I’ve complained about my job… That I’m not happy with it, that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing what I’m doing. Love it or hate it, I’m good at my job. If you’re someone who knows me well, you know that I rarely compliment myself. I don’t commend myself for a job well done. I don’t boast on what I’ve done. For me I always feel like I could do better or that I’m not good enough. That’s another issue for another day. Chalk that one up to issues from my childhood. Nonetheless, I rarely say that I’m good at something, but I’m good at my job. I work hard. I’m dependable. I’m one that is willing to go above and beyond my job description, and I’m realizing more and more that it is something that is recognized throughout the building.
For the past few weeks the marketing manager keeps saying, “If you ever want to move to marketing…” If I said the word, I know he would push for me to be moved into his department. That leads to today when our news manager told me that I’m her top pick for the upcoming producer position, if I want to leave production. It’s flattering to know that I have various departments wanting me on their team. The question is… Do I want to be on those teams?
To move to marketing would mean going back to some of my PR roots, which I always loved. However, to move to the news department would mean getting to do more writing. Of course writing for news is a far cry from the writing that I currently do, but I’ve proven to be good at it. They’re both good possibilities, and maybe I’d be happier in one of those positions. There’s a drawback, though. The drawback would be that I’d have to sign a contract for at least two years. To some signing a contract for two years probably wouldn’t seem like a big deal, but for me it is. Right now I know that if something came my way tomorrow, I could quit my job, walk out the door, no questions asked. With a contract it’s not that simple. No… I don’t have any plans of quitting my job any time soon, but the option is there. The freedom is there.
This has turned into another rambling post, which I didn’t mean to happen. I’m just trying to make sense of it all in my head. It’s hard when I’ve been so lost for so long about what I want in life. There are only four things I know for sure I want: to write, to be married, to have children, and to be happy. Sadly, right now, none of those things pay the bills. So… Until that day, I need to find what direction I want to travel in.
Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are. ~ Rachel Naomi Remen, MD
Unexpected Way 